Hey, You

We're all friends here, right? I can be honest with you? I can share my fears and you won't judge? You won't give me trite advice and write me off, right?

Joan told me yesterday that she feels like Angie and I are about to have all the money we need and I really want to believe her. I mean, I already believe that God wants us to go to Iraq and I believe that now is the time. I believe it at about 80%. It fluctuates. Sometimes I believe it 100%, but then reality strikes.

I've been calling and e-mailing trying to drum up support and nobody's biting. It will take a miracle to make this happen.

But I have a secret. I don't believe in miracles. I mean I believe the ones in the Bible, and I believe the stories about what happened to other people, but, come on, they just don't happen to most of us.

I remember that I prayed for a miracle for Aunt Che and she just got worse to the point that I had to pray for her to die to end her suffering. That's just not fair.

I remember that I prayed for a miracle when Grandma Rosie was in the hospital. You know how that turned out?

So, here's how I think this will go based on past experience: We won't get the money. We won't go on March 9. I'll suck it up and plow ahead like I always do and a year from now I'll talk about how it was probably better that we didn't go and how I must have misheard God's voice. I'll advocate that everyone is cautious and prayerful and fasts before making decisions. I'll talk about how this "other thing" is so much better than the thing I want so desperately right now.

It won't be fair, but I guess that's how this game is played. I mean my dad died and I've convinced myself that my life turned out better because of it. This should be a piece of cake to sugar-coat.

Or maybe I'm wrong and everything will turn out fine. Maybe God will hear my cry of desperation.

And I know there are spiritual things that I don't understand, but there are earthly things that I do and all I know is that I am tired of sucking it up and moving on. I don't want to do that this time.

But I will. I'll come to my senses again maybe on March 10 and I'll put on my brave face and find another way forward.

But it'll break my heart.