I just returned from Shepherds and I will have much to write about, but this first.
Before I begin this letter, I must remind everyone that I wrote the original open letter (the one to my mother). It wasn't Angie and her letter to her intestinal malady. Just FYI.
Dear Alcohol,
How's it going? I have some bad news for you: you will not be allowed at my wedding.
You know we've never really been friends, but that's not why you'll be absent. It's just that you are forbidden. Verboten. Eyba. Sorry.
We've come a long way in our relationship, though. Remember when I thought you were evil? Yeah, me too. Those were funny times. I have to admit that I still blame you a little for the demise of Native American culture. I know, I know. You didn't act alone and it wasn't your idea, but that doesn't excuse your behavior. I know that mostly it was peer pressure, though.
I know we'll never be more than passing acquaintances you and I, but I wanted to send you an invitation, I really did. I thought you would have had a good time.
Unfortunately, my church said no. You must have made a bad impression on someone recently. I remember certain sermons which seemed to suggest that we, as Christians, were free to be your friend. I mean no one was suggesting a co-dependent relationship with you, but I thought you were acceptable. Turns out I was mistaken. I must have misheard something along the way.
I even thought you were appropriate at wedding receptions. But then I recalled that Jesus turned you into water at a wedding feast to save everyone from your bad influence.
Wait a second. That's not right at all is it? No. Jesus turned water into YOU. Hmmm. That's odd, Alcohol. The church has either forgotten our Savior's first miracle or decided to ignore it. I hope it's that they've forgotten it.
But maybe it's because you sometimes make stains. Carpet is expensive to clean and or replace. And I don't see Jesus turning anything into carpet.
Knowing you like I do, Alcohol, I bet you're laughing at this. Imagine me defending you. I never thought I'd be in this position! I just hope there aren't any hard feelings.
Keep on truckin'
Sincerely,
Robert
5 comments:
What, no Alcohol?! To think that I planned to spend my entire evening being consoled by Alcohol. What is a lonely, spinster such as myself to do? I guess I will see what Mary Jane is up to.
Oh Brandi!! MJ will probably be consoling alcohol for not being invited. They're good friends like that. You can't expect her to be dealing with your separation anxiety and alcohol's utter rejection at the same time. Sorry!!
1. Robert Meeker, will you marry me? I can't have alcohol at my wedding either, but after this post, I do! I really do want to marry you!
2. Brandi, I checked the policy very clearly after learning that there can be no alcohol, and it didn't say anything about drug use (which seemed odd to me), so feel free to light up! (maybe my next door neighbor can hook you up).
3. Robert, it is sad to me that you think you are the first purveyor of the Open Letter. Not to say that I'm the original user of it altogether, BUT, I was the first to use it between the two of us. Your Open Letter to Your Mother was May 31; my Open Letter to Old Navy was May 12. I don't get to be right very often, but I have proof on this one, so add two points in my column now and you can have it back next time I trip.
And Brandi, I have a few ideas for what YOU can spend YOUR evening doing, but I'll keep those to myself.
And Devan, how is that you just answered Brandi's post like a trained counselor and humorist all at the same time?
To alcohol:
PS..if you should decide to crash the wedding (and I would not blame you if you did) please make sure that you have a designated driver for your empty bottles and bottle caps.
Thank you
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