I just returned from Shepherds and I will have much to write about, but this first.
Before I begin this letter, I must remind everyone that I wrote the original open letter (the one to my mother). It wasn't Angie and her letter to her intestinal malady. Just FYI.
How's it going? I have some bad news for you: you will not be allowed at my wedding.
You know we've never really been friends, but that's not why you'll be absent. It's just that you are forbidden. Verboten. Eyba. Sorry.
We've come a long way in our relationship, though. Remember when I thought you were evil? Yeah, me too. Those were funny times. I have to admit that I still blame you a little for the demise of Native American culture. I know, I know. You didn't act alone and it wasn't your idea, but that doesn't excuse your behavior. I know that mostly it was peer pressure, though.
I know we'll never be more than passing acquaintances you and I, but I wanted to send you an invitation, I really did. I thought you would have had a good time.
Unfortunately, my church said no. You must have made a bad impression on someone recently. I remember certain sermons which seemed to suggest that we, as Christians, were free to be your friend. I mean no one was suggesting a co-dependent relationship with you, but I thought you were acceptable. Turns out I was mistaken. I must have misheard something along the way.
I even thought you were appropriate at wedding receptions. But then I recalled that Jesus turned you into water at a wedding feast to save everyone from your bad influence.
Wait a second. That's not right at all is it? No. Jesus turned water into YOU. Hmmm. That's odd, Alcohol. The church has either forgotten our Savior's first miracle or decided to ignore it. I hope it's that they've forgotten it.
But maybe it's because you sometimes make stains. Carpet is expensive to clean and or replace. And I don't see Jesus turning anything into carpet.
Knowing you like I do, Alcohol, I bet you're laughing at this. Imagine me defending you. I never thought I'd be in this position! I just hope there aren't any hard feelings.
Keep on truckin'