11/07/2005

Looks like a rant...

I've been thinking lately about how quick we often are to judge others. Maybe it's a heightened sense of awareness that comes when facing a "crisis" situation. I know from experience that when something serious happens people are most critical of others and especially their responses to the situation.

The first time I really remember being confronted with this was when my father died. I had no idea how one was "supposed" to respond to that. I looked around at my family and found that everyone responded differently. Some where devastated. And I mean this literally. Their lives ended the day his did.

I faced it the way I've come to face most serious issues in my life. I played the role of the stoic. I didn't cry much in public and I "moved on." I know what people think of that. Some find it callous and wonder how I could do it so easily. There's nothing easy about it, but it is a decision that I made and one that I don't regret.

Now, facing Angie's mysterious seizures and mom's breast cancer, I have acted in a similar manner. And I know that my actions and outward shows (or lack there of) of emotion have been questioned. As if I should break down at the hint of trouble or put on some show to prove my love and devotion. For the record, that won't happen. And, more importantly, I don't feel bad about it.

I know what loss is and I know how painful it can be, but I refuse to spend time pre-worrying about it. Honestly, I don't have the strength for that.

I can only pray that Mom and Angie both will be ok. I'll put it in God's hands and I'll be emotionally stable for them both so that they don't always have to be.

3 comments:

Tammy said...

As you well know, I read your blog. I can't tell you how proud I am of the man you have become. I know that you are a sensitive and caring man, and in saying that those are also the reasons why you are my rock-I derive strength from you and you help me to put things in perspective. I only hope that in our strength we can have have the courage to be weak, when needed, together. You don't always have to be strong for me or anyone else. I am so very glad you are a part of my life, even if you were not my son, it would be a joy to know you.

Angie said...

Who you ARE, and HOW you are, is exactly how I need and want you to be.
>
>
>
>
But let's not kids ourselves, "emotionally stable" might not be the best word for you.
hahaha... ;-)

Jason Coker said...

you guys are both completely hysterical as far as i'm concerned.