I Killed This Today

Q: What other names are Potato Bugs known by?
A: The common Potato Bug is also known as the Jerusalem cricket. Our Native American friends call him “Woh-tzi-Neh” (Old Bald-Headed Man). In Latin America, he’s “niña de la tierra” (child of the earth). Other names include: Satan's fetus, the Devil's spawn, the Devil's child, the Devil's baby, the Devil's fetus, evil fetus, bald devil fetus, bald fetus of Satan, and earth fetus.

Q: Do potato bugs bite?
A: They gnaw.

Q: Why are potato bugs so ugly and frightening? Why do they look part human? Where did they come from?
A: The most widely held belief is that God didn’t create potato bugs. It was Satan’s work. And amongst evolutionists and non-religious types, the consensus is that potato bugs came from outer space.

Q: I have potato bugs in my vegetable garden. How can I rid myself of these pesky critters?
A: Drench your entire yard with gasoline and set it ablaze. Once the fire has burned itself out and the ground has cooled, cultivate the soil to a depth of seven feet, saturate the area with battery acid and top the surface with gasoline. After a few minutes, most of the surviving potato bugs, now irritated, will burrow up for air. Set the yard on fire again, and let it burn itself out. The remaining bugs should be crisped. Add water. Only then, and only maybe, will you rid yourself of potato bugs.

Q: When I sleep, I have recurring dreams about potato bugs. Nightmares, really. Should I be concerned?
A: No. We all have nightmares about potato bugs. Try not to drink alcohol right before bed.

Q: Does alcohol consumption increase the chances of potato bug nightmares?
A: No. Potato bugs are drawn to the smell of alcohol, so when you drink late at night they’re more likely to infest your bed. They may gnaw your cheeks while you sleep, trying to get at the smell of the alcohol on your breath.

Q: I have never even seen a potato bug. Where would I be likely to find one?
A: Consider yourself very lucky, click away from this website, and forget you ever asked that question.

Q: Do potato bugs eat potatoes?
A: Potato bugs eat your cheeks.

Thanks to PotatoBugs.com for all of this priceless information. I didn't expect to be confronted with this evil monster today, but some people are born great while others have greatness thrust upon them...


Devan said...

Oh Robert, how funny thou art!

Lucy said...

I'm so sorry.

Kate said...

Hey! I saw that you tried to call and I tried to call you back, but I didn't get through. Call me when you get this! Love ya!

Yes, that Cristi said...

wait...how exactly did you kill it? did you follow the instructions??

rdmeeker said...

Cristi, I had to follow the instructions, otherwise it would have only come back stronger and meaner.